i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize