bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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