dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your cock deserves a montage
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
