There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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