I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
