Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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