Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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