the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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