party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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