Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
