6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
