We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
