just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
