She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize