Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
