My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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