Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
