you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
