Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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