My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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