yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize