Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
