I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
