I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
