I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
