I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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