it hurts more in the daytime
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
