Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he thought i was a dude.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
