Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
