Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
