dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
