hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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