Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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