the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
