What a fucking waste of an outfit
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
