took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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