I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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