"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
