i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
