i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
