Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
