I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
