did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
