remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
