dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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