I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
