I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
