Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We need to get me chipped asap
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
