when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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