i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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