on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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