the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize