Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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