i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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