Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
