I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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