I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
