I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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