I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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