matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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