I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
