hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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