So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
