im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
All the doctor said was why
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
