i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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