Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
