Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
